01172010
i want to be able to breathe again. a deep, relieving breath of fresh air. without anxiety, without dread, without nerves, without having to take a deep breath to hold back tears. i don’t know how to put what has happened within the past month or so into words. it’s really hard to think about it and it’s even harder to wrap my mind around writing about it.
i got arrested. no, i am not kidding. yes, i was handcuffed. yes i was in a cell for about twenty minutes. yes, i did do something wrong. i tried to steal two headbands from claires, in the mall. why? i don’t know. that’s something i still cannot answer, something that is haunting me to this very second and will continue to haunt me for a very long time. i have a court date in two days. since it happened i have been a mess. who am i kidding? i was a mess prior to it happening, being arrested just added to it. not knowing why i did what i did added to it even more. not crying about it, almost losing my job, yeah, that added to it quite a bit. when i was laughing and joking with cops, while being handcuffed to a pole in the precinct, i really and sincerely freaked myself out. my emotions have been…well, i don’t know where they’ve been.
and then the other night was tom’s birthday. i don’t drink, ever. the last time i drank and got drunk was in august. AUGUST. five months. and then tom’s 21st birthday came. yes, i have been quite depressed. yes, i had definitely been talking to katie about it. i realized after a little while in the bar that if i kept drinking i could drown out the thoughts. the insecurities, the pain, the hurt. and after a while i knew i could make it all go away. just keep drinking, drinking, drinking. vodka, rum, jagermeister, anything i could get my hands on. i ended up in a bathroom. the floor of a public bathroom, covered in my own vomit, not knowing how it had happened. i ended up blacking out very severely, having my friends and complete strangers take care of me. i ended up nearly dying on that bathroom floor. nearly dying and wishing that i had.
i guess katie called my mom, and i guess i told her that was okay. my mom and dad had to come get me. i got in the car i guess. i don’t really remember. all i do really remember is begging them to let me die. just please, please let me go. i can’t do it anymore, i really can’t. cue everyone telling me how much they care about me and how stupid i am to want to die. cue my best friend holding my head in her lap, telling me everything was okay, telling my mom i had been depressed. cue me getting home getting thrown in the shower and somehow making it to my bed.
so like i said. i don’t know what is going on with me. why i am doing things so out of character. everyone keeps telling me how much they care, how much everyone around me cares, why can’t i feel it? why do i constantly feel like people don’t care.
what. is. wrong. with. me?
