10202009
i guess the thoughts running through my mind right now consist of this.
if only it were that easy.
if only it was that easy to get someone to go on a date with you. if only it was that easy for someone to see past my weight, my looks in general, and see who i really am underneath all of it. if only i was 110 pounds and had the perfect body. then maybe i would be a little bit better off.
if only it was as easy as ignoring them. if only it was as easy as saying, you know what, it’s their lives, let them screw it up. if only it was that easy. if only.
maybe i read to much into things. maybe i focus way too much on the things that i should not be worried about. or maybe i don’t worry enough about certain things.
is it really a crime that i am twenty-one years old and still haven’t had a first kiss, or gone on a date, or dated anyone, or even ever had a guy be semi-interested, let alone have sex? i’m obviously doing something wrong, but i can’t help but be as picky as i am, and i am so scared to put myself out on the line.
and when asked why i don’t know what to say - well, i do actually. i’m fat. i’m not attractive. people assume all of the general things that they do about fat people. i’m not worth much to guys except a good laugh, whether it’s by me being funny or at my expense. one time in 5th grade i told devin mcdonnell i liked him. it was valentines day. he laughed in my face and said that he didn’t like me back. i’m terribly scarred.
i have conceded to the fact that guys are never going to look past my ever so heavy (no pun intended) flaws. they won’t because it is the society that i exist in, and i guess i don’t blame them. i’m not beautiful, i’m not skinny, i’m the complete opposite. who wants to bring the ugly fat girl home to meet the family? surely not any of the guys i know. i’m disgusting to them. i might as well be invisible though i am so, terribly visible because of my flaws.
this is all of the stuff that i have learned to compartmentalize into a space in the very back of my mind, covered in this over-confident “i have more important things to worry about in my life than having a boyfriend/kisses/sex/love” attitude. there are layers and layers of that have built up since childhood, just to make myself feel a little bit better as i have watched all of my friends have first loves and first kisses, losing their virginity, cuddling, all of it. just to cover up the fact that i am at a complete loss as to what to do. yeah, lose weight, i know. i wish it was as easy as typing the words into my lame online journal.
but it’s not. nothing is ever going to be easy, and i certainly know that. today is just one of those days where i have been pushed to confront these long hidden feelings and i don’t know how much longer they can stay in that little area in the back of my mind that i have cleared out for them.
i wish they could see things through my eyes.
