April 2011
1 post
when i reach my goal weight i want to learn how to dance from @MaksimC =) ultimate dream!!!
04192010
it is interesting how my last year at new paltz has been so haphazard, quite like my first one. if i could title this year it would be something to the effect of the year that i lived with the painfully dumb and drunken wannabe club kids and the friends who turned out to be satan’s love children with the annoying kid in class who always feels the need to speak at unnecessary moments. or the...
March 2010
3 posts
03172010
so i’m back on my anti-depressants. aka, i still feel pretty much the same way but now i can put a funny twist on it. i have also kept myself quite busy the past two days. i have learned how to crochet, which has helped me relax and forget everything that has been going on, even if it is just temporary. today i did some reading and some work for my thesis, which felt good because i had not...
03142010
so in an ideal world, right now, i would be on spring break. well yes, i am on spring break, but i would literally be somewhere that warrants the title ‘spring break’. not my living room in my house on a rainy night where the cravings to hurt myself are almost unquenchable, but somewhere with my friends doing something nice like i wanted to do.
so instead i am here, and fine, i can...
03082010
everything was perfect. my 22nd birthday was amazing and i couldn’t have asked for more. i had the best friends in the entire world, ones who i knew were going to be my friends for life. they had even convinced me to stay and get an apartment with them next year instead of going home. i rearranged my plans in order to stay, deciding on doing an online program and working here.
and then they...
January 2010
1 post
01172010
i want to be able to breathe again. a deep, relieving breath of fresh air. without anxiety, without dread, without nerves, without having to take a deep breath to hold back tears. i don’t know how to put what has happened within the past month or so into words. it’s really hard to think about it and it’s even harder to wrap my mind around writing about it.
i got arrested. no, i...
December 2009
1 post
12132009
another semester coming to a close. in two days i will be making my departure from the shit hole that i live in to my home. i will be home for a month and i will be working, doing overnight trips with eden and working crisis respite. i will be getting credit for this work in order for me to graduate on time. i have been working miracles in the past few weeks.
there’s not much to say...
November 2009
1 post
11142009
as i’m sitting in my room by myself i hear the typical weekend question from outside my door;
are you drinking tonight?
no, i’m not drinking tonight, in fact, i never feel like drinking anymore because it is repetitive and boring and i simply do not understand how one can do it most nights of the week and not get bored and disgusted with yourself.
then again, i have watched the...
October 2009
2 posts
10222009
i think a lot about autism. i think people think that i’m weird because i talk about it so much. i’m so consumed with the whole disability, i even do voluntary research on it whenever i can find the time. well, actually, right now i should be writing a paper on how to teach math to children with autism, but i am procrastinating. so what else is new? i’m so done with school and...
10202009
i guess the thoughts running through my mind right now consist of this.
if only it were that easy.
if only it was that easy to get someone to go on a date with you. if only it was that easy for someone to see past my weight, my looks in general, and see who i really am underneath all of it. if only i was 110 pounds and had the perfect body. then maybe i would be a little bit better off.
if...
09302009
so i hate the people i live with.
well, a few of them anyway, but right now it’s completely enveloping my every thought, and god damn is it annoying. and god damn are THEY annoying.
kill me.
September 2009
3 posts
09262009
i go between two feeling in the past few weeks. the first one being that i am dreading graduating and having to leave behind my undergrad years. the second one being that i am completely excited to leave it all behind and move on to bigger and better things.
right now i’m in the latter mood. i am home for the weekend, hanging out with my cousins, and having a relatively stress free good...
August 2009
1 post
08062009
when my mom and i made the trip to barnes and noble the other night i had a weird feeling. the weird feeling was appropriate because when i reached the section i wanted to look at, ashley was suddenly standing five feet away from me and i was panic stricken. after everything, i was frozen stiff not sure what the best plan of action was. after telling my mom that she was there, and walking around...
July 2009
7 posts
07292009
i just went to a five hour driving class so that i can finally schedule a road test and get my license. hopefully.
janine is coming on friday, i am SO exciting to see her and catch up and just hang out. of course there is going to be some debauchery, it’s our style. i believe that on saturday night we’re hanging out with a few of the guys from school and going to a bar here on the...
showed up to work this morning to find that none of my supervisors were there…DAY OFF! going to help kellie with her college project soon.
home from kellie’s birthday. texting with dan, i almost forgot how much i absolutely adore and love her and miss her. goodnite internet
sitting around the house, have to get ready for kellie’s bday soon!
07272009
today is kellie’s birthday. i always say that one of my earliest memories is kellie being born. i was four, and i have this vivid memory of what the hospital waiting room looked like, of me laying on a circular couch with my disney blanket. i was excited because, hello, there was going to be a new little girl for me to meet and play with.
kellie lost a lot of blood when my aunt gave birth...
07252009
i do not want to jinx things, but i really feel as if this summer is one of the summers that i will look back on fondly. so many peopled questioned if i would be able to do what i had planned for this summer; 3 summer classes, a job/internship, babysitting my sister, and taking 2 vacations some where in there. have they all been stressful in one way or another? of course, what isn’t? but as...
June 2009
1 post
06192009
after realizing how stupid it was to believe that the whole thing with jenn and allie was my fault, after the confrontation in which i finally got to tell them both how i felt, after i got to tell jenn that she is a cruel bitch and she should just own up to it, after all of that i was able to realize how good i really have it. my friends stood by me 100% through the entire ordeal, whether or not...
May 2009
1 post
05042009
it’s funny how after three years of waiting for the words to fall, they were still not easy to hear. when someone uses your biggest insecurity to hurt you, it is most likely the cruelest thing they can possibly do with words. and jenn did it.
is it me?
April 2009
1 post
04102009
my living situation is decided for next semester, and it is not at all what i would have expected. and i’m completely happy with the choice i have made.
katie and i will continue to be roommates. we returned from spring break and everything seemed to go back to the way it used to be. the jokes and the talking, our friendship was back. moreover, we talked and decided that we want to live...
March 2009
1 post
03182009
ps, she didn’t move out.
pps, weirdly enough we’re some what getting along and i think we’re going to live in the same suite again next year. like i said, weirdly enough.
i’ve been attempting to get in contact with important people from my past. i think that it will be good for me to see these people at some point soon. michelle, a girl that i’ve known since...
February 2009
1 post
02092009
I’m moving out.
I suppose I could go into details but it’s all a little to open wound-ish right now.
i’m terrified.
January 2009
2 posts
01312009
In eleven days I will be 21 years old. That is self-explanatory.
Two days ago I started Weight Watchers. I resisted for a really long time, convinced that if it was meant to be, it was meant to be. But as I become increasingly more unhealthy, I know that something has to be done. I can’t walk to class without being out of breath. I don’t want that for myself anymore.
Also, I love my...
01142009.
i will never understand why things have to end. why good times have to come to a close, why holidays go by in the blink of an eye, and why friends come and go. i can’t bring myself to accept that she’s not speaking to me. but it’s happening and it hurts, it’s a raw pain that seems all to familiar.
i want to write more. without a past, without all of the entries from 2001...